The Miracle of Recovery

According to writer/novelist Anais Nin, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s

courage.”

This quote most accurately describes the result of a life well lived in recovery. Courage is

essential to taking that first step on the journey to wellness. The writer of the following article

has experienced this in his own life, as you will read. I offered him anonymity, and he chose

gut-wrenching authenticity and full disclosure. He is an example that life indeed expands in

proportion to courage.

The Miracle of Recovery - By Michael S

The farthest I ever was from being myself was bound in the throws of addiction. I grew

up sober. Through high-school, I was a three sport athlete, a 4.0 student, and

committed to the general tenets of high moral fortitude.

Between 18-37, I stumbled into the clutches of alcohol, marijuana, Adderall, and

cocaine. I struggled in relationships and friendships, frequently prioritizing my drug and

alcohol abuse over the people who tried to support me in my life. Generally, I lived

without consequence.

In 2014, I was admitted to the Florida BAR. I was a prosecutor from 2014-2018 at which

time I refrained from everything but alcohol. Not sober by any means, but at least

scared enough to not use drugs. But in 2019, I went into private practice. And it got bad.

Fast.

In September of 2020, I was arrested for Battery (Domestic Violence) after eating 90 mg

of Adderall at 9:00 a.m. and drinking about half a handle of Wild Turkey. Running a law

office out of my family’s house, in the middle of Covid, I had completely lost it. I

slammed the Wild Turkey bottle on the kitchen counter, shattering the bottle, and

sending the handle through my hand. In my drug and alcohol induced panic and rage, I

pushed my wife, who still stands by me to this day, attempting to flee the house and

drive myself to the hospital. Before I knew it, the fire department and the police were at

the door. As my son peered over the back of the couch, I attempted to conceal the

thousands of shards of glass as I bled on the floor. I was taken to a patrol car and

arrested. I lost my son for months.

I didn’t stop drinking or using drugs. My legal results were impeccable. Dismissed

cases, suppression motion victories, and a 5 star rating. I was still bulletproof. I was

drinking all day every day despite being required at this point to blow into a portable

breathalyzer at 7:45 a.m., 6 p.m., and 9:45 p.m. My charges were dropped pre filing

based on my lack of criminal history and my wife’s lack of willingness to prosecute. I got

my son back, still blowing into a breathalyzer. But still, the right thing to do at the time

was to keep ripping and running. I kept the party going. Miserable, suffering, and sick, I

ate upwards of 1000 mg of Adderall a day, sometimes staying up for days, drank, and

smoked weed.

In November of 2020, I had gone over the edge. I would gloat over my victories, bloviate

to my clients that I would take officers’ badges for the injustices they were committing.

An informant was wired and sent into my family’s home, where I met all of my clients,

most of whom were drug dealers. The individual touted his drug sales and of course I

played along. He told me at any time he could get me whatever I wanted. On January

13, 2021, my 33 rd birthday, I cracked. I had run out of my Adderall prescription and the other Adderall I had bought illegally, and I called him. He told me to meet him at the

Flyng J truck stop on January 14, 2021.

Upon arrival, the informant got into my car and poured out 60 Adderall pills with black

dots on them. I knew what time it was. I had become a client in that moment. I had

become a defendant. I was arrested by virtually every law enforcement officer from the

tri-county task force for Putnam, Saint Johns, and Flagler Counties, the Florida Highway

Patrol and FDLE. At the Flying J truck stop of all places. They took pictures, put out a

press release, go look it up. It is a hell of a mugshot. The run was finally over. Not

really.

My wife bonded me out that night and when I arrived home, a line of clients were

waiting, mostly drug dealers worrying that I had flipped on them. I poured a drink. This

time I lost my son and my wife’s children. The next morning I began to close my office.

But I kept drinking. I. Could. Not. Stop. And I lied. About everything.

On April 11, 2025, I finally blew positive into the portable breathalyzer. The next day I

entered FLA. I was useless. I frequently share that it felt like someone was standing on

my chest. All day. Every day. For a year. I was being prosecuted, was about to lose my

BAR license, was alone at the house without our children, and now I had lost the only

way I knew to manage my life. Complaints from the BAR started to roll in, one a week.

My life was over. I was in a constant state of panic.

I remember I would have supervised visitation with my son only if my mom was present

the whole time. Living in my childhood room on those weekends, with my parents, I

would catastrophize that this was the end of my career, the end of my life.

But I had support. I was being drug tested. I was in AA. I was promised that if I was

honest, that if I kept doing right and putting good in, that it would work out. At that time,

I, of course thought that was bullshit. But I had seen enough to believe what the people

in recovery were telling me. I suffered day in and day out, refusing to accept my

circumstances. I began therapy, and in June of 2022, after my mother passed away, my

ex-wife exercised an ultimate compassion. I could finally see my son without a

supervisor.

After over a year, I started to feel the warmth of the anticipation for football to return, for

family vacations, for the weekend. I didn’t think about drugs and alcohol all day every

day. Although, I still did frequently. I kept working. In November of 2022, November 31,

9:01 p.m. to be exact, the Florida BAR found no probable cause on all of my complaints

except of course getting probable cause arrested in front of the entirety of a truck stop

buying drugs from a client. That was a toughie.

A that point, I doubled down. I took on sponsors, I began to be of service to AA, to my

family, and to my church. My belief was changing, I was seeing it work. I got a Pre Trial Intervention agreement for my charges. I accepted where I was and was determined to

exercise the courage to change what I could in my life for the benefit of myself and my

family. In March of 2023, I was terminated successfully from my PTI, and my BAR case

finally moved forward. I’m not saying this is everyone’s experience, but my experience

with the BAR was humbling… and positive. The BAR showed me compassion based on

the service of the wonderful individuals at FLA who told tales of my hard work and

earnest dedication to recover. I received a 60-day suspension on November 29, 2023,

followed by 3 years of probation to be monitored by FLA. I kept my law license. By the

Grace of God and the mercy of the Florida BAR, the nightmare was ending, in about the

best way it could. I felt different by this point. I could consciously acknowledge I was a

different person. My motivation went from getting to my next drink or next drug to doing

the right thing. I wanted to serve, I wanted to work. I wanted to take my kids fishing. And

so, it has gone.

After my mom’s passing, I have transitioned from the legal field to running my family’s

HVAC business, I am a Class A Certified HVAC Contractor and a proud member of the

Florida BAR. I serve FLA and AA in any way that I can. I center my life on my faith and

the joy of the experience that I have went through. The shame I felt is gone. I want you

to know my name. I want you to go look up my BAR case. I want you to go look at my

mugshot. It is part of my story. But, what, at one time, I didn’t believe, is that there would

be a chapter to follow. At one point I didn’t believe I could be more than a hopeless

addict and alcoholic. But that is the difference between belief and faith. Belief is the

success you see in others telling you a story of their success and how they did it. Faith

is the belief you find in that plus the experience in your own life affirming the belief.

I still struggle in sobriety. I still feel anxiety, and sadness, and fear, and pain. But I have

been through enough to know it will pass. I have been through enough that the promise

of a new day tomorrow, full of opportunity, and love, and interactions directed by the

good faith actions of a higher power, will see that temporary pain turn to joy. My prayer

is, to you, if you are struggling, if you are suffering, is that you can accept you cannot

manage it alone, believe in something, even if it is my words, which I swear I speak in

earnest, and turn you life over to the power of God as you understand Him, call FLA, go

to an AA meeting. Recovery has changed my story, it’s changed my family. Now, my

kids, including my step children call me “Dad.” And so it goes, the miracle of recovery.

Don’t wait another day to start living your life. Whoever you are, I love you, and you are

special, and capable of writing the next chapter.

FLA is a non-profit organization dedicated to the well-being of judges, attorneys, and law

students. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, cognitive issues, or mental health challenges, please call us at 954-566-9040 or visit our website at

www.fla-lap.org for a confidential discussion with a staff member who can help.