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Courage to Change

The Newsletter of Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc.

Issue 2 - Summer 1996

Hotline: (800) 282-8981
E-Mail: fla-lap@abanet.org
Web Page: http://www.fla-lap.org

Table of Contents

bulletWelcome to Courage to Change
bulletWho's Who at FLA
bulletFLA Mission Statement
bulletExecutive Director's Article
bulletProgram Director's Article
bulletMembers' Articles
bulletAdvertisements and Classifieds
bulletBill's Recovery Corner

Welcome!

by Ben F., Editor

Long awaited, but finally here, our second issue. I thank all you that submitted articles and participated in the development of this second issue. It's a challenge and a blessing to be the editor, to hopefully help our readers. We cannot survive without the help of our fellows. This is a "we" program, and the support of FLA and all FLA members is the strength we share.

The newsletter goal: It is our hope that this newsletter will help both newcomers and those that have been around for a while. The goals of this publication are to facilitate, communicate and further any and all facets of recovery for professionals.

This is your newsletter, and community participation and involvement are important. Your letter to the editor or article may help someone to better understand both recovery and how to live life on life's terms as a lawyer, law student or other law related professional.

This issue's theme "First contact with recovery, treatment, and FLA." Next issue's theme "Helping another helps me." and "Do I ever graduate?"

You can contribute to our next issue by submitting an article or placing a personal, professional or recovery related announcement. This newsletter is available as a networking tool for lawyers who can offer employment to other lawyers (practicing or otherwise) and law students; send in your ads and job needs. Please do not hesitate to send in your articles, announcements, comments, notes, want ads, or letters to the editor. Many of you want to be involved, so this is your chance. Please commit just a little of your time or resources to further this publication and to help your fellow members.

Remember, you can allow others to read this newsletter in furtherance of your 12 step work. We all know that allowing a seed to be planted in the mind of one that needs help may be enough to get him or her to a meeting. This publication can show both those in recovery and the active user that there is a large community of recovering attorneys, that we can help each other, and that we can stay clean and sober.

Courage to Change is published by Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. as a service to its membership. Articles appearing in the newsletter may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. and may not reveal any identities or personal information without the express written consent of the author. Anonymity is the spiritual principle of our recovery community and must be maintained.

Articles appearing in Courage to Change are not to be construed as official expressions of the views of FLA. Official positions in this newsletter are expressed only by FLA's Executive Director or Program Director.

The due date for all advertisements, etc. is the 20th of the month preceding publication. The anticipated date for the next issue is December 1996. Address all editorial correspondence to 2601 E. Oakland Park Blvd., Suite 203, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33312 or fla-lap@abanet.org. Information concerning advertising rates for Courage to Change may also be obtained from this address. For more information call (954) 566-9040.

WHO'S WHO AT FLA

Michael Cohen, an attorney formerly in practice in Boston, Massachusetts, with over 10 years of sobriety and who previously served as FLA's Program Director, was elected by the Board of Directors in November 1995 to replace Bill Kilby as Executive Director.

Judy Rushlow, a Ft. Lauderdale attorney with over 8 years of sobriety who previously practiced with Bill Kilby and acted as an instructor at the Broward County DUI Program, came aboard as FLA's Program Director in November 1995 (her story appears later in this issue).

In addition, the people who staff FLA's Ft. Lauderdale office (and who you talk to on the phone) are Roberta Dalton, Eleni Uher, and Jennifer Kenny.

Most importantly, there are almost 300 recovering attorneys, judges, law students, and other interested individuals who volunteer their time and effort to assist FLA in its mission.

FLORIDA LAWYERS ASSISTANCE MISSION STATEMENT

Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. (FLA) provides programs and services to assist attorneys, judges, law students, and other legal professionals who may be impaired in their ability to function in a legal setting. The backbone of FLA is a support network of recovering attorneys and judges who wish to carry the message to fellow members of their profession that recovery is possible.

FLA concentrates on assisting legal professionals with chemical dependency problems, providing evaluation, assessment and referral services, peer support, aftercare programs, and monitoring services. In addition, FLA engages in preventative services through educational outreach programs, including mailings, literature distribution, and presentations to the judiciary, law schools, law firms, bar associations, bar seminars, and other professional entities.

While FLA's primary emphasis has been on aiding the chemically dependent attorney, it also serves as a clearinghouse and referral source for problems associated with gambling, food, and sexual addictions, as well as those resulting from depression, stress, finances, and other areas that might affect an attorney's ability to competently function in a legal setting.

FLA is not a 12 Step program, although it relies on participation in the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous as the primary resource in an attorney's recovery. Neither is FLA a treatment program, counseling center, employment agency, legal referral center, or employe assistance program, although all of these services can presently be accessed through FLA's resources.

FLA works independently of, but cooperatively with The Florida Bar, the Florida Board of Bar Examiners, the Judicial Qualifications Committee, local bar associations, and the bar at large.

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR'S ARTICLE

In my wildest dreams....

I have to echo what Judy Rushlow says in the following article. If I had been told five years ago that I would have my license reinstated in Massachusetts, and be admitted in Florida, and be heading up the program which helped to save my life and my career, I would have responded that such a scenario was beyond even my fondest imagination. I am tremendously proud to have been selected by the Board of Directors to follow in the footsteps of Bill Kilby and Charlie Hagan (and sometimes, in all honesty, a bit overwhelmed by trying to fill those two sets of shoes), and am grateful on a daily basis that I am permitted to give back some of what FLA has given to me over the past 10 years.

This is a very exciting time for the program. The tenth anniversary of FLA's official incorporation was February 7, 1996 (although Charlie and others were beating the bushes looking for drunk lawyers well before 1986), and I have been lucky enough to watch FLA develop and grow over almost that whole time. We are now generally regarded as one of the two or three best lawyer assistance programs in the country, which I think is a reflection of the efforts of and cooperation between the Supreme Court, The Florida Bar, the Board of Bar Examiners, and FLA's Board of Directors and staff, but mostly because of the untiring work by our network of almost 300 volunteer recovering attorneys and judges throughout Florida.

A number of developments have taken place over the past six months which will affect FLA for the foreseeable future. In October of last year, the ABA Commission on Impaired Attorneys performed an in-depth evaluation of the FLA program. Clearly indicating how the Bar has come to perceive this program, interviews in Tallahassee were scheduled for the evaluators with the President, President-elect, and Executive Director of The Florida Bar, Justice Harding of the Supreme Court, the Bar's Staff Counsel and members of the Lawyer Regulation Dept., and the Executive Director and General Counsel of the Board of Bar Examiners. All of these individuals expressed their favorable opinion of FLA and the job it is doing, and all vowed to support the program in any way possible. The final evaluation gave FLA high marks, but also pointed out some areas where work still needs to be done.

As a direct result of the evaluation, FLA was invited to make a presentation to the full bench of the Supreme Court in January to let the Court know where we are today and what we are looking for in the future. Two areas of concern which were presented to the Justices were amending the rule which created FLA to expand our role to assist attorneys impaired because of psychological problems or addictions other than to chemicals (which, on a de facto basis, we are already doing), and to try to make some inroads with the judiciary. Simultaneously, The Florida Bar's Program Evaluation Committee was doing its own evaluation of FLA, and adopted the suggestions of the ABA Commission, issuing an extremely favorable report about FLA in May. We were also asked by the Bar to make presentations to the various disciplinary offices and grievance committees around the state in the hope of alerting them to the signs and symptoms of lawyer impairment before it rises to the level where an attorney's license and life may be in jeopardy. We have also been asked, for the first time in FLA's history, to make a presentation to a plenary session at the Conference of Circuit Court Judges in September 1996.

Judy and I are in the planning stages of scheduling a series of workshops around the state, perhaps beginning in August. It is our hope to get all FLA participants, monitors, and volunteers (and anyone else who may be interested) together to answer any questions and go over any gripes that have arisen. We are also working with the Quality of Life/Stress Management Committee of the Bar about coordinating our efforts to reach out to attorneys.

Some really good news is that at long last we have FLA meetings going in Gainesville (thanks to the efforts of Roberta R. and Tom N.) and in Key West (Wayne S., thank you). It also looks like a meeting will be starting shortly in the Melbourne-Cocoa area, and we hope to resurrect the St. Petersburg meeting in the near future. I know that the attorney support groups do not substitute for my 12 Step meetings, but (at least in my experience) they are a very important component of my overall recovery program, and I am grateful to the lawyers who put the time and effort in each week to start and maintain those meetings. It is my personal opinion that the support groups are the most valuable service FLA offers, especially to the lawyer who's just coming into the program. That sense of not being alone is something we offer our colleagues that cannot be duplicated.

On the cyber-side of things, FLA, with the help of the ABA, now has a home page on the Internet. We're at: http://www.abanet.org/cpr/fla.html You might also want to check out the Commission on Impaired Attorneys page at: http://www.abanet.org/cia/home.html The Internet is probably my current drug of choice (after cafe con leche), so if you want to call or e-mail me, I'll be happy to share some of the more interesting sites I've discovered.

Again, it is my pleasure and privilege to be occupying this position. Although I am aware that some of you may have a different perception, please understand that FLA was set up as, and remains, primarily a program of lawyers helping other lawyers. As Executive Director, I take that function very seriously - if you have a question, a complaint, a suggestion, or just want to talk, please pick up the phone or come into the office. The door really is always open.

Michael Cohen

PROGRAM DIRECTOR'S STORY

If anyone had told me a few years ago that my alcoholism would have been an important qualification for a terrific job, I would have thought I was hallucinating. That has turned out to be true, but I am still somewhat amazed. On November 1, 1995, I began work at Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. as Program Director, filling the position vacated by Michael Cohen when he was appointed Executive Director of FLA.

I consider this a milestone in my recovery--there have been many, some good and some not so good, but thanks to AA, FLA, a Higher Power, and all of the people who have become part of my life I can say that the past eight years have been a real adventure! I am excited about this job and the opportunities it offers for the years to come.

I feel sometimes that I "grew up" with FLA; both of us have changed, matured, grown older and better and I really believe the best is yet to come.

My first introduction to FLA was when my sponsor made sure I talked to the late Bill Kilby after an AA meeting. I was three or four months sober, unemployed and doing little more than going to a lot of meetings, not drinking, and feeling anxious about my prospects for returning to the practice of law from which I had "temporarily retired." It had interfered with my drinking and, after all, my husband made a lot of money and needed me to be at home, etc., etc. Now that was no longer the case (if, in fact, it ever was) and reality was starting to set in.

Bill got straight to the point. He handed me two business cards, one for his law practice, the other FLA. Then he told me the FLA group was having a picnic the following day and that I should go, that there was an attorney meeting every Tuesday that I should attend, and that I should call him Monday for an appointment. I didn't want to do any of those things, but I did all of them, and that was the beginning of my association with FLA and my return to the practice of law. I went to work for Bill shortly after that meeting and the following year we became partners. We worked together until 1992 when Bill took over the position of Executive Director of FLA. During those years I had a bird's eye view of the FLA organization and an opportunity to see the dedication demonstrated by Bill and so many others as little by little, one step at a time, FLA grew in size and stature.

That's a brief summary of my FLA recovery. My AA recovery was obviously a part of that and, in reality, it is impossible to separate the two. I think of AA as the program and the fellowship that helped me stop drinking and taught me how to live sober, and I rely on those principles and those people everyday. FLA helped me return to the practice of law by using the principles of AA and the support of other recovering attorneys. The two complemented each other, and as an attorney, I needed both.

"What it's like today" is only part of the story. It took many years of alcohol abuse and the problems which that lifestyle fosters to bring me to the point of "complete defeat." For me there was no happening, no event, just the growing realization that my life was totally unmanageable and that I was indeed powerless over alcohol. Finally, I had enough.

I didn't know about FLA, but I did know that AA was what I needed. I had checked it out a few years earlier, but decided I didn't have alcohol problems, just problems, mostly because of other people. I thought I could learn to control my drinking a little better, and I did --for a while, sometimes. But I kept the Big Book I had been given, and some of the literature and even some of the phone numbers just in case. I ended up using those phone numbers one Sunday morning and got the help I was finally willing to accept.

During my drinking career, I tried out every drug that was available to me, including a variety of prescriptions which were plentiful in my mother's house, but alcohol was always way ahead of second place on my list of drug preferences. I used to say "I understand alcohol. I can trust it." Truthfully, it was readily available, relatively inexpensive, legal and socially acceptable almost anywhere. More importantly, it just provided what I wanted and needed and became my almost constant companion toward the end of my drinking career.

In the early days of my alcoholism--I don't think I was ever not an alcoholic--I drank to have fun, mostly on weekends or special occasions but usually excessively, often to the point of passing out or blacking out. It certainly caused problems, even as a teenager, but it was years later before I ever considered not drinking. As a matter of fact, it was years later before I ever even recognized the problems. I grew up in a family where heavy drinking and the results of that were commonplace, so that my idea of "normal" and "problem" were a little different.

I did, however, for a long time have a strong will and what I considered to be a great deal of self-control. By setting down a sometimes elaborate set of rules concerning where and when and what I could drink (as well as when and where and what I couldn't) and following them, at least to some extent, I managed to get through college and law school, get married a couple of times and have a couple of kids. Not until I came to AA did I ever understand that "if you have to control it, you're out of control." It would probably be accurate to say that I was, for the most part a functional alcoholic, since most of my "dis-function" was on a personal level. If you knew me only casually, and had not been present during one of my not-so-private rule-breaking episodes, then maybe you wouldn't have noticed.

But as the years went by and the disease progressed and gained momentum, it became more and more difficult to keep up that facade, and my problem with alcohol was really no longer a personal or private thing. I was amazed to learn , when I actually began to read the Big Book and listen to the stories of others, that I wasn't at all unique and that my experiences had been shared by countless men and women before me. With that knowledge came acceptance of alcoholism as a disease and myself as a sick person.

I was, like so many other, helped through early recovery by those who has experienced that before me. Some of those people were lawyers, some were not, but they shared their "experience, strength and hope" and somehow everything got better. I have tried to always give that back to others and believe that the day I stop doing that my sobriety is at risk. My sponsor has told me that our abilities to help others take many different forms and directions; our job is to remain willing to follow our own path.

I haven't always been happy with where I was and where I appeared to be going, but I've learned that is part of recovery--part of life, really. I have always, however, remained thoroughly grateful for my sobriety and for AA and FLA which made it possible. I am thrilled to be FLA's Program Director, and hope that with the help of our growing ranks of volunteers we can give the opportunity for recovery to every attorney who needs it.

Judy Rushlow

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.
Marcel Proust

MEMBERS' ARTICLES

LAW STUDENT'S STORY

If you are reading Courage to Change, you must have at least a passing interest in substance-abuse issues as they concern lawyers and law students. Whether you have a problem, I can't say. Only you can decide the answer to that question. What I can tell you is that I have a problem. In a nutshell, I was still using when I graduated from the University of Florida law school in 1995, revealed everything on my bar application, got into recovery, had an investigative hearing, got conditional admission, and found a job.

Everything is going really well for me now. If you want all the gory details of one law student's experience with substance abuse, read on.

I had a substance abuse problem for several years before I attended law school and the problem continued through law school. I got into substance use as a form of recreation, and for quite awhile I convinced myself that I had things under control. I was never arrested, never hospitalized, and my financial situation was more or less stable. But I was the kind of person who liked to stay buzzed all the time, and get really blotto on a regular basis. I knew I had a problem pretty early on but for a long time I thought that it wouldn't amount to much, so I kept at it. But year after year I spent more time using, I became more isolated from other people, and I noticed more and more detrimental effects on myself, like my memory getting bad, feeling depressed more and more often, and spending a lot of time worrying about the long-term health effects of what I was doing.

Then I got into law school. The jobs I worked prior to law school didn't require a lot of mental acuity, and I was able to get along okay despite my habit. But, as you doubtlessly know, the law school curriculum shoots information at students like water out of a fire hose. It was all I could do to read the daily assignments. By mid-semester I had forgotten most of what I'd done earlier. Reviewing for finals was like learning the material all over again. My grades reflected my struggles. Although I gradually learned to study more efficiently, I probably worked twice as hard as my classmates just to achieve average results.

Moreover, bar admission was looming larger in my future. I knew that if the Florida Board of Bar Examiners was aware of my situation they would be reluctant to admit me unless I got into recovery. Nonetheless, my desire to quit was not as strong as my desire to keep using. I often heard my classmates joking about whether they should reveal past indiscretions on their bar applications. For me this was a very difficult issue. Each semester I would promise myself that I would stop using, and each semester I failed to stop.

As the end of my third year approached, I filled out my Bar application and decided that I had no choice but to disclose my situation. My substance use was well-known in my hometown and I feared that even some of my law school classmates and professors had figured it out. Some people have suggested that I was foolish to tell the Board of Bar Examiners everything, but the alternative was to risk getting into serious trouble for non-disclosure should my situation become known later. Additionally, by this time I really wanted to get into recovery, and I knew that by disclosing the situation I would be forced to take action. I had tried to quit so many times on my own, always with the same result. It seemed that having an outside force brought into the situation might be the only way I would get a handle on my problem.

After graduation, I began studying for the Bar exam and found the strength to stop using my drug of choice, the one that had been most problematic for me. When I learned that I had passed the Bar exam I began looking for a job and hoped for the best. A month later the Board of Bar Examiners notified me that I would have to attend an investigative hearing prior to being admitted to The Florida Bar. I hired a lawyer and started a recovery program through Florida Lawyers Assistance. For the most part, the FLA program involved going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA), going to attorney support group meetings, meeting with a monitor (an established lawyer with a lot of recovery time), reading 12 Step literature, working the steps, taking urine screens, and documenting my participation. It wasn't difficult or unpleasant, although it did take time and like all recovering alcoholics and addicts, I had rough spots when the urge to use came back in full force.

After weeks of preparation, I attended the investigative hearing and was granted conditional admission by the Florida Board of Bar Examiners. That means that I am a full-fledged lawyer, but am subject to special supervision for three years. I am very grateful to have had the chance to turn my life around before substance abuse destroyed my health and my future. My lawyer says that I got conditional admission as quickly as I did only because I voluntarily disclosed my past dependency and because I voluntarily got into a recovery program and worked it to the letter.

I started looking for a job again, and began doing freelance clerking and pro bono work almost immediately. After a couple of months my monitor gave me a tip about a position that might be available. I moved on it, got an interview, disclosed the fact that I was in recovery, and wound up getting the job. The only thing my supervisor wanted to know about my substance problem was whether I was working my program and staying sober, and I could say with pride that I was doing both. Today it's hard to believe that I've come so far in one year. There were times when I had serious doubts as to whether I'd ever get a job as a lawyer, or whether I was even fit to be a lawyer. Getting into the FLA program was one of the best decisions I've every made. I couldn't be happier, and neither could my family and friends. It's not easy to break bad habits that have become established over years and years, but from my perspective, the effort is well worth it.

I relate my story to make two points:

First, all law students in Florida should realize that the Board of Bar examiners does not overlook substance abuse problems. This concern is based on both the welfare of the applicant and the protection of the public. If you are using alcohol and/or drugs and can't seem to stop, your wisest course of action is to get into a recovery program as soon as possible and make a full disclosure on your Bar application. Florida Lawyers Assistance has a toll-free anonymous hotline at 800-282-8981, where you can learn more about the FLA program. If you have a year or two of recovery time when you graduate, you will have a better chance of being admitted without delay. Despite the fact that I didn't get help until after graduation, I was treated fairly and I am positive that I made the right decision in disclosing my situation. If you have a history of substance abuse and you try to cover it up, you are courting disaster. The Board may contact people who are willing to reveal your situation (don't think this doesn't happen), and even if you manage to gain admission to the Bar, your problem may eventually ruin your practice.

Second, there are attorney support group meetings throughout the State of Florida. They are anonymous and you don't have to be formally involved in the FLA program to attend them. You can learn about the times and places from the FLA hotline or by referring to the listing in this newsletter. The attorney support groups are important because they address concerns specific to lawyers and law students, and they give you a chance to network and to see that you are not alone in this situation. Regular AA and NA meetings address your overall situation as a person in recovery, but the attorney support groups zero in on the day-to-day issues you face at school, at the office, in interactions with clients and colleagues, in facing stress, etc.

In closing, if you are a law student using alcohol and/or drugs on a regular basis and can't seem to stop, please consider what I've said. Don't make the mistake I did and rationalize that the problem will somehow go away on its own. It won't. My life would have been a lot easier and less embarrassing if I had gotten into recovery while I was still in law school. You still have that option.

Thank you, "Class of '95"

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
Albert Einstein

I DID IT FOR THE FLORIDA BAR, NOT FOR ME

I remember the first time that I was approached by someone to go to an N.A. or an A.A. meeting, facing more fear than I knew how to handle. My fear was that someone might find out that I was an alcoholic and/or addict. I didn't know that I could go to a place, speak about my problem, share with others and get help, and be around people just like me.

One day, a fellow attorney that had undergone Bar problems due to an arrest called me up after seeing me in Court. He said I looked so bad that he couldn't help but call me to let me know that my addiction was written all over my face and that I better get some help.

I had recently received a few Bar Complaints. Rather than responding to them and dealing with them, I of course reacted with fear, shoved them under a pile of other papers on my desk and failed to respond in a timely manner.

The Florida Bar, in it's wisdom and because of previous experience with other attorneys not responding to complaints, decided to undertake a fishing expedition and evaluate my trust account. I knew my trust accounting procedures were not good, to say the least. In fact, I wasn't quite sure what the exact balance was in my trust account. For those of you who don't know, that's not a way to operate a trust account, and The Florida Bar can suspend you just for failing to follow the formal procedures as set forth in the Rules.

Now I was really in deep. My addiction had taken me to a point of jeopardizing my law license. I knew that I could mitigate my Bar problems by going into treatment.

Well, sure enough, I did go into treatment, hoping that I would get some help to save my law license. I was approached by a man (I later learned a very remarkable man) named Bill Kilby. Bill understood addiction and my personality traits. One time I called him from the treatment center saying I couldn't take it anymore, that I had to get out of there, and that I wasn't going to stay for further treatment. He reminded me of the reason I was there; "At the very least", he said, "why don't you save your law license."

Bill never laid it on thick. He only said, "It's up to you, the door is locked from the inside, not the outside. Nobody is forcing you to stay, but if you want to save your license, I will be here to help you." He just kept saying I will be here to help you, I will be here to help you. That's all he would ever say. After a while I came to believe him and in fact he never let me down.

Now after almost 8 years in this program, I've had an opportunity to reflect on the time when I went through my Bar process, the beginning of my recovery, the suspension of my law license, the reinstatement of my law license and my present status. Because of my daily program, I'm a relatively happy, emotionally secure, stable individual with an unlimited number of things to be grateful for.

I write this article for those of you who are reading this Newsletter for the first time. For those of you that may need the extra encouragement and understanding, please be assured that Florida Lawyers Assistance has never let me down, the A.A. program has never let me down, and The Florida Bar is more reasonable than one might think. FLA was there to testify for me at both my referee hearing and my reinstatement hearing, and the promises they made were all kept.

B.F. -- Ft. Lauderdale

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.
William Saroyan

HOW I BROKE THROUGH TO ACHIEVE SOBRIETY

I always felt awkward, different or inferior. I never felt like I "measured up" until I found the magic elixir -- alcohol. Alcohol removed my inhibitions and insecurities, it made me feel like I "fit in". It provided relief from those feelings of awkwardness, difference and inferiority.

I never drank like most people. I remember one of the very first times I drank, I alienated everyone around me. This should have been a clue to me that I handled alcohol differently than most people, but I was able to ignore this fact by surrounding myself with people who drank the same way I did or worse.

I look back on my life and see several times when I made choices, or rather my disease of alcoholism made the choices for me, which enabled me to continue drinking. The choices involved everything from my peers to divorce. Needless to say, alcohol ruled my life, but I could not admit that. To admit that would mean that I would have to do something about it. I was not ready for that.

Toward the end of my drinking and drugging career, I was in such deep denial that when I was arrested for possession of drugs, I read the newspaper article written about my arrest as saying there was not widespread evidence of drug abuse in my home when in fact the article quoted the police as saying there was widespread evidence of drug abuse. My denial was so strong that my disease was able to take the printed word and turn it into something with which I could live.

A lot had to happen before I could break through my denial. One would think that a felony arrest would do it, but in my case it was not.

I had gone to great lengths in order to hide my disease from my profession. In fact, the first time I read the Big Book (the textbook of Alcoholic's Anonymous) it was something in this regard to which I related, the only thing in the entire book with which my denial did not keep me from identifying. It was in the third story which appears in the back of the Big Book. The writer was an attorney and he wrote that "[w]henever a situation arose that fast talk wouldn't explain away, I simply withdrew. In other words, I fired the client before the client fired me." Those words really jumped out at me because this is what I had been doing -- there was no denying it.

I had set up my life so that I could insulate myself and my disease from outside interference. At that time my practice was only part time, yet I had a full time baby sitter for my children and a part time maid. It was not because I was so busy at the office that I need this help at home, but rather so that I had the freedom to drink and drug at will.

The night I was arrested I was taken to a small county jail which only had one "lock up" in which there were men at that time. Therefore, I was put in a room in which I had been earlier that day in order to take a witness' deposition. I knew I was in trouble not only with the police, but also with the Florida Bar. I got on my knees and prayed for the first time in years asking God to help me.

Unbeknownst to me, family members who were scattered across the state telephoned all over the state to see about getting me help. They were told by a person at one treatment center that an intervention would not work as I had not lost enough. I still had a beautiful home on a river, a BMW, and two precious children. Help was not to come for awhile.

When help did come, I accepted it in order to save my license, not myself, because I did not understand how much trouble I was truly in. Understandably, The Florida Bar does not look highly on attorneys who are arrested for felonies. I was told about an organization called Florida Lawyers Assistance (FLA). The attorney who was representing me on the criminal charges and my potential suspension from the Bar told me about FLA and asked if I had read about it in The Florida Bar News. I simply told him no.

I flew to Tampa to meet with my attorney and a representative from FLA. My attorney's plane was late so I picked up the newspaper to discover that an acquaintance of mine had been arrested on drug charges. This threw me, so I went to the bar after having vowed to myself that I would not have a drink before this meeting. By that time anything threw me -- I'd drink if my team won, I'd drink if my team lost, I'd drink if my team got rained out. I remember only one statement that was made at that meeting. The FLA representative said to me, "You don't look like you've taken a drink or drug in your life." That spoke directly to my disease. My disease gloated in the fact that I had hidden it well. My disease told me that the great lengths I had gone to had paid off. I moved out of the small town in which I had been arrested. In Alcoholic's Anonymous (AA) that is known as a geographic cure. However, as they also say, this did not help because I moved with me. The same behavior continued in my new home town.

After meeting with the FLA representative, I was given a contract to sign. I was highly insulted by the urine testing clause, so when I met with a local representative of FLA, I talked him into striking the clause from contract. I did not realize that this clause was in there for my protection, so that FLA had physical evidence of my rehabilitation. Of course, at the time I did not think I needed rehabilitation.

It was not until I started attending AA meetings that I realized that while I had a lot of material possessions, I was spiritually bankrupt. I did not have a fraction of what some of the people in those rooms who were unemployed or manual laborers had in terms of spirit. Something struck me -- it was sobriety. I went into those rooms because I was required to by my contract. I was required to attend 90 meetings in 90 days and thereafter three meetings a week for three years. I told myself that I could refrain from all mind altering substances for three years (another term of my contract), but I certainly could not envision the rest of my life without a drink or a drug. Although I had heard of not drinking one day at a time, I did not understand the concept. By the time I finished my ninetieth meeting (which was in less than 90 days), I found I was going to those meetings because I wanted to, not because I had to. After I had been attending meetings for about six months, I was around some of my old friends. One of them asked me when I could drink again. I responded that I could drink if I wanted. If I have to have a fatal disease, alcoholism is the one I would chose. The treatment has been physically painless for me and I have garnered knowledge which I otherwise never would have. I speak of spirituality. At the first meeting I attended I read the 12 steps of AA. My first thought was that if everyone followed these steps, the world would be a wonderful place in which to live. There would be no war or violence. That opened me to hear, really hear, for the first time in my life. I was able to embrace rather than fight. Up to that point my life had been one long struggle. This is not to say that on occasion I do not still struggle. I do. But I do not struggle as long or as hard now. I now know there is a better way and I chose to follow that way.

Listening to the wonderful people from all walks of life in AA meetings made me realize that I do not know everything. In fact, I now realize I know next to nothing. I have been told that what counts is what you learn after you realize that you do not know it all. While I may be very intelligent and a quick learner, I was able to realize that there were some things I had never thought about, let alone learned. AA has opened up a whole new way of life for me. It has given me rewards and fulfilled me in a manner I never knew was possible. The more insight I have into myself the better life gets. It keeps growing layer upon layer and it will continue, if I continue, until I die. Like a wise friend has said to me, "[w]e are not well until three days after we die."

I have discovered that life is about learning. I do not mean book learning, but rather learning about ourselves. Life is also about giving back and sharing these lessons with others who are interested in such a way of life. To my surprise, I have learned that there are people who are not in recovery who live this way. No longer is my life about not drinking. That is no longer an option. Today my life is about living life as serenely as possible. This involves simplifying things, especially wants. I am learning to want what I have rather than to live in an attempt to have what I want. What a drastic difference this concept had made in my life.

I no longer feel that there is a stigma attached to my disease. When I first came to AA I would hear people say they were grateful to be recovering alcoholics. I though they were crazy. But now I too am grateful for what the recovery process of this disease has brought to me. There is no shame in being an alcoholic. The only shame is in knowing you have the disease and not doing something about it.

N. FROM FLORIDA

Rule #1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule #2: It's all small stuff.
Dr. Michael Mantell

COLD AND DREARY - BUT NOT NOW!

I remember it as cold and dreary outside. I was sitting in my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and I felt as miserable inside as the weather was outside. The meeting was held at a half-way house I had managed to get into. It afforded me a little more freedom to come and go, not like a far more restricted environment I came from which had felt like prison.

The AA meeting was chaired by someone I remember as being very religious. In fact, I remember feeling the whole Alcoholic Anonymous experience, from the discussion at the meeting itself to the Big Book which sat on my lap, was overly religious and way too esoteric; and completely irrelevant to me. I read the 12 steps as I sat at the meeting and glanced at the stories. The stories were filled with irrelevant allusions to God and a mysterious Higher Power. I grew even more depressed.

My life, at that time, was in such a shambles, I could hardly believe it was mine. I had grown up in a relatively happy childhood, which, in retrospect, was filled with blessings. School, friends, sports, and money came relatively easy to me. After graduating from law school, getting good jobs came as easily as everything else had. But, for some reason, an ongoing spiritual uneasiness was fueling a need to escape, and my growing dependence on drugs and alcohol.

My family history did not include alcoholism or drug addiction. I had been brought up to drink (and minor illegal drug use) in moderation. But there were other problems -- relatives with mental health problems and asocial behavior. I apparently had some of the genes after all.

At a young age, I had thrown out everything I had worked very hard for an decided to go "bum around". I quit a wonderful job, and left my community to go abroad. I would be able to stop and take stock, "relax" and be less serious, and enjoy being a hippy full-time. Unfortunately, it didn't work well. I was almost immediately busted for importing small amounts of marijuana to sell to my friends. I found myself doing little else but getting high and meditating on my problems, without getting anywhere. Pretty soon, my family and friends were growing concerned -- aside from my drug arrest -- that I was endangering my safety and losing my sanity.

The rest followed like a nightmare. Eventually, I was institutionalized. I had to resign voluntarily from the Bar or else face involuntary proceedings. My family arranged for an attorney to defend my drug charges with a defense of lack of capacity. I had spent (or given away) my savings. I had no home and few friends. People worried that I would never return to my old "normal" self. And there I was at this half-way house at my first AA meeting.

My first contact with AA was not terribly meaningful for me. First, I was sure I was not an alcoholic. All this discussion about the compulsion to drink had very little to do with me. I couldn't understand why I was being sent to AA when my problems were with drugs. Although my myriad of problems were all connected to my compulsive usage, I just couldn't make the connection. The emphasis on spirituality at that first meeting must have gone straight past me, since the speakers were constantly using terms like "God" and "Higher Power". Maybe if I had listened a little closer at that first AA meeting, I would have heard many things that were close to me -- even at that time. My drug induced meditation had all been grounded in questions of spiritual feeling and thinking. Religion was not so much the point, it was human strife for spiritual meaning, informed and guided by many higher powers, including God's. The Big Book was filled with stories emphasizing morality, honesty, and common sense thinking -- all of which I had been searching for through introspective drug use.

Most importantly, that first AA meeting never really hit me. I was still blaming everyone else for my predicament. There I was, I lost everything that I possessed and I was still blaming my family and friends for the losses. It had not yet entered my mind that I could take responsibility for my own mess.

It had not yet occurred to me that all of my losses were as a direct result of my drug addiction that had literally taken over my life. The truth didn't sink in until months and months later -- months filled with feelings of hopelessness and an Orwellian sense of imprisonment.

My problems seemed to get better as I began doing the 12 steps. I realized I had to face responsibility for my own drug addiction and the devastation it caused. I had to learn to abstain from mind-altering substances at all times, especially those times when my substances served as an escape. I had to face my internal spiritual problems, which had fueled my drug addiction since I was a child. I had to come to terms with each one of those problems. I needed to re-learn what it meant to be a moral and honest human being, to the best of my ability, so that I could face the "down" times and move on. Even after I leaned that I was a drug addict, I still had to come to terms with the fact that I was abusing alcohol as a substitute for the drugs. My first mental block at that first AA meeting -- that I wasn't really an alcoholic -- turned out to be the last block I had to get over to become healthy again.

Alcoholics Anonymous, with the help of Florida Lawyers Assistance, reaffirmed some of those early hard lessons of recovery and taught me some new ones. When I began going to meetings again, years later, the fog had lifted. Every one of the 12 Steps seemed applicable and important to me. No institution, church or temple could have helped me like the 12 Steps did, with some of my problems caused by my addiction/alcoholism. It is for that assistance the Program still gives me each day that I feel such gratitude to both AA and FLA.

Anonymous in Florida

The last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor Frankl

I'M BACK - BACK TO RECOVERY

I know I must always remember how much pain and how desperate I felt before coming back to FLA and Alcoholics Anonymous. For this reason, I chose to talk about my recovery in this article. I truly believe that without the gifts I've received and continue to receive in my recovery, I wouldn't be as happy and fulfilled as I am today. My life now has purpose and meaning. I'm finally able to appreciate the many blessings given to me on a daily basis. This is not to say that life is easy, because it's not. A lot of times life is not fair! I now know it's getting through life's ups and downs, "growth experiences" I call them, which I benefit tremendously from on the inside, and I appreciate life in a more meaningful way today.

When I came back to recovery, I was in jeopardy of losing my own child, who means everything in the world to me. I was in jeopardy of losing my license to practice law. I already lost a job that I loved. I definitely and most importantly, had already lost myself. I had no hope left. However, because of my child, I agreed to go to treatment. There I was visited by Bill Kilby and Steve Shea, both of whom gave me hope of recovery. I signed up with FLA. It was truly the compassion of these men that helped me to take Step 1 of this program. Nothing, despite many years and many hardships, could get me to admit defeat; however, the guidance and sincere support given by Bill and Steve gave me the hope I needed to feel safe, safe enough to finally admit defeat. Once I admitted defeat, my recovery could commence. I believe that I had to understand Step 2 before I could commence Step 1. Once I understood, I was determined to work at my recovery just as hard, if not harder, than I had worked at my disease of alcoholism. I followed suggestions, completed treatment, signed a three year contract with FLA, got a sponsor I would call and listen to, went to meetings daily, worked the Steps and, for the first time, found a God of my own understanding. I now realize that it is the spiritual foundation I never had before that has made all the difference in the world to my recovery. I have a very loving God in my life today. He never gives me anything more than I can handle. When I have more than I can handle, its surely because I chose to give myself more than I can handle, and that's easy for me to do! Today I have faith and try to get as close to God as I can on a daily basis. God shows me I'm not following His will by allowing me to have negative consequences and be in a state of uncomfortability. When I get these feelings and consequences, I choose not to stay in them because I believe that if I do, I will eventually drink over them. As growing experiences, I talk about what I'm going through at a meeting and with my sponsor and others I'm close to in recovery. I take suggestions, pray to God, and help another alcoholic.

Helping other addicts and alcoholics has been and continues to be a large part of my recovery. I have grown as a person because I remain willing to help others whenever I can. Even though my contract with FLA has been successfully fulfilled, I remain an active member of FLA. I attend FLA meetings on a regular basis and act as monitor to other attorneys. I have a chance of giving back to FLA what it has given me. FLA has been and continues to remain a strong foundation for my recovery. I'm happy to say that I never lost custody of my child and have an absolutely wonderful relationship with that child today. I never lost my license to practice law, and I got back the job I loved so much. There are many other blessings and gifts that I've been given in recovery. The best one of all is that I found me again; and with the help of God and this program, I'm making me a better and happier person all the time. I wouldn't trade my life today for anyone else's and that's something I never thought I would say. Miracles do happen!

ANONYMOUS IN RECOVERY

ADVERTISEMENTS and CLASSIFIEDS

SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR FIRST ADVERTISER. YOUR SUPPORT HAS GIVEN THE EDITORIAL STAFF THE HOPES OF HAVING A FULLY SELF SUPPORTING PUBLICATION. THANK YOU RICHARD!

This space is devoted to advertisements and classifieds of interest to FLA's membership. It is hoped that such advertisements will assist members who may be seeking legal representation before The Florida Bar or the Florida Board of Bar Examiners, and services that may be of special interest to members. Advertising rates can be obtained by contacting the Editor at the address and telephone number given at the top of Courage to Change.

It is our hope that the classified section will act as a networking tool for those FLA members who may have employment to offer other licensed attorneys or attorneys whose licenses may currently be suspended or revoked, as well as for attorneys, law students, and non-licensed attorneys who may be looking for employment. In such cases, there will be no cost for publishing such employment advertisements.

Any suggestions regarding how to make this section of greater benefit to FLA members will be appreciated and given full consideration. Your input is greatly appreciated and necessary for continued growth of our newsletter.

LEGAL REPRESENTATION

ALCOHOL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE LICENSE PROBLEMS ATTORNEY DISCIPLINE AND BAR ADMISSION

RICHARD B. MARX, Former member of the Board of Directors of Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc., is available to act as a consultant or for representation of professionals with licensing problems brought about by addiction or other causes. Capable of assisting with a recovery program and all phases of license problems. Representation includes grievance committees, Bar admissions and readmission for suspended attorneys, as well as DPR license defense for health care professionals.
1221 Brickell Avenue, Suite 1010, Miami, Florida 33131 (305) 536-2400.

BILL'S RECOVERY CORNER

50 TOOLS FOR SOBRIETY
1. Stay away from the first drink
2. Use the 24 hour plan
3. Remember that addiction is an incurable, progressive, and fatal disease
4. Live and let live
5. Get active
6. Use the Serenity Prayer
7. Change old routines
8. Eat or drink something sweet
9. Make use of the telephone
10. Find a sponsor
11. Get plenty of rest
12. Do first things first
13. Watch out for loneliness
14. Watch out for anger and resentments
15. Be good to yourself
16. Look out for over-elation
17. Easy does it
18. Be grateful for something every day
19. Remember your last drunk
20. Avoid all chemical mood changers
21. Watch out for self-pity
22. Do not be ashamed to seek professional help if you need it
23. Watch out for the "if" trap (if only.... what if.....)
24. Be vigilant at functions where alcohol is being served
25. Steer clear of harmful emotional entanglements
26. Let go of old ideas
27. Read the AA or NA literature
28. Go to meetings
29. Work the Steps
30. Find your own way
31. Replace old habits with new, healthy ones
32. Keep an open mind
33. Use your common sense
34. Live in the NOW
35. Avoid major decisions in early sobriety
36. Do a good mental housecleaning
37. Acknowledge and salute the daily progress you make
38. Cherish your recovery
39. Develop a habit of gratitude
40. Suspend judgment of yourself and others
41. Take a long, hard look at your drinking/using history
42. Share your happiness
43. Watch out for euphoric recall
44. Remember that addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful, and very patient
45. Accept responsibility for your actions
46. Stay sober for yourself
47. Try not to place any conditions on your sobriety
48. Respect the anonymity of others
49. Heal yourself by helping others
50. When all else finally fails, follow directions

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