Hotline: (800) 282-8981
E-Mail: fla-lap@abanet.org
Web Page: http://www.fla-lap.org
 | Welcome to Courage to Change |
| Who's Who at FLA |
| FLA Mission Statement |
| In Memorium |
| Executive Director's Article |
| Members' Articles |
| Program Director's Article |
Long awaited, but finally here, our newsletter is off to a good start. It is our hope that this newsletter will help both newcomers and those that have been around for a while. The goals of this publication are to facilitate, communicate and further any and all facets of recovery for professionals. This is your newsletter, and community participation and involvement are important. Your letter to the editor or article may help someone to better understand both recovery and how to live life on life's terms as a lawyer, law student or other law related professional.
Since this is the first issue of Courage to Change, we have tried to make it very "informational" (is that a word?) Inside this issue you'll find the basic data regarding F.L.A., so you can better understand the organization. It is our intention that each future issue will have a central theme - this issue's theme is anonymity. The next issue's theme will be "First contact with recovery, treatment, and FLA."
In future issues, we hope you will take the opportunity to submit articles and place personal, professional or recovery related announcements. We also hope this newsletter will act as a networking tool for lawyers who can offer employment to other lawyers (practicing or otherwise) and law students. Please do not hesitate to send in your articles, announcements, comments, notes, want ads, or letters to the editor. I know there are many of you that want to be involved, so this is your chance. Please commit just a little time, or resources, to further this publication and to help your fellow members.
Remember, you can allow others to read this newsletter in furtherance of your 12 step work. We all know that allowing a seed to be planted in the mind of one that needs help may be enough to get him or her to a meeting. This publication can show both those in recovery and the active user that there is a large community of recovering attorneys, that we can help each other, and that we can stay clean and sober.
Courage to Change is published quarterly by Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. as a service to its membership. Articles appearing in the newsletter may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. and may not reveal any identities or personal information without the express written consent of the author. Anonymity is the spiritual principle of our recovery community and must be maintained.
Articles appearing in Courage to Change are not to be construed as official expressions of the views of FLA. Official positions in this newsletter are expressed only by FLA's Executive Director or Program Director.
The due date for all advertisements, etc. is the 20th of the month preceding publication. Address all editorial correspondence or articles to 2601 E. Oakland Park Blvd. Suite 203, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida 33306 or to
fla-lap@ix.netcom.com. Information concerning advertising rates for Courage to Change may also be obtained from this address. For more information call 305-566-9040.
William H. Kilby,
an attorney and Certified Associate Addiction Professional with
over 20 years of sobriety, was the Executive Director of FLA, and was ably assisted by his wife,
Peggy, until their untimely deaths on July 7, 1995. As a result of Bill's death, Charlie
Hagan, an attorney and addiction professional who just celebrated 26 years of sobriety, has
agreed to act as Executive Director until Bill's position is filled. Charlie started FLA as a
voluntary organization in 1982, and was instrumental in the formal organization of FLA in
1986.
In addition, the people who staff FLA's Ft. Lauderdale office (and who you talk to on the phone)
are Roberta Dalton, Eleni Uher, and Jennifer Kenny.
Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. (FLA) provides programs and services to assist
attorneys, judges, law students, and other legal professionals who may be impaired in their ability
to function in a legal setting. The backbone of FLA is a support network of recovering attorneys
and judges who wish to carry the message to fellow members of their profession that recovery is
possible.
FLA concentrates on assisting legal professionals with chemical dependency problems, providing
evaluation, assessment and referral services, peer support, aftercare programs, and monitoring
services. In addition, FLA engages in preventative services through educational outreach
programs, including mailings, literature distribution, and presentations to the judiciary, law
schools, law firms, bar associations, bar seminars, and other professional entities.
While FLA's primary emphasis has been on aiding the chemically dependent attorney, it also
serves as a clearinghouse and referral source for problems associated with gambling, food, and
sexual addictions, as well as those resulting from depression, stress, finances, and other areas that
might affect an attorney's ability to competently function in a legal setting.
FLA is not a 12 Step program, although it relies on participation in the programs of Alcoholics
Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous as the primary resource in an attorney's recovery. Neither
is FLA a treatment program, counseling center, employment agency, legal referral center, or
employe assistance program, although all of these services can presently be accessed through
FLA's resources.
FLA works independently of, but cooperatively with The Florida Bar, the Florida Board of Bar
Examiners, the Judicial Qualifications Committee, local bar associations, and the bar at
large.
It would be impossible to publish this initial issue of Courage to Change without
remembering Bill and Peggy Kilby who were killed in a plane crash on July 7, 1995 while on
their way to help others.
FLA owes much of what it is today to Bill's efforts. Bill was an established and successful lawyer
in Fort Lauderdale, who left his practice at Charlie Hagan's request to take the position of Staff
Attorney of FLA in 1988. In that position, Bill was responsible for updating and implementing
many of the policies envisioned by Charlie when he formed FLA. Upon Charlie's retirement as
Executive Director in 1993, Bill took over the position and devoted himself to FLA
full-time.
As any of you who had the pleasure of dealing with Bill know, his style was strictly recovery
oriented. Bill was the definition of "laid back", but he always seemed to accomplish what he set
out to do with a minimum of stress, agravation, or conflict. That spirit of kindness and loving
concern, more than anything else, is the legacy which Bill left to FLA. Looking around the church
at the memorial services for Bill and Peggy, one could see literally hundreds of attorneys whose
lives had been touched (and some of them lives that had been saved) by Bill. There is probably
no better legacy anyone can leave.
Peggy was the perfect match for Bill, reflecting all of the qualities that he embodied (although
those of you who dealt with her on a telephonic basis only might not have thought so). Her
passion (aside from finding bargins at T.J. Max and Marshall's, and spending time with her
grandson) was working with the families of FLA members. Peggy's goal was to pass on some of
her experience and hope gained by making it through Bill's struggle with and recovery from
alcoholism. If she seemed somewhat zealous at times, it was only because she wanted so badly
to see everyone find the miracle she had with Bill. Bill and Peggy had been married for over 35
years, and it seems somehow right that although their passing was untimely, they went
together.
At the time of his death, Bill was doing what he loved - flying a small Cessna to help other
attorneys achieve sobriety. While he and Peggy will be sincerely missed by the staff and members
of FLA, their spirit clearly lives on in the organization they helped to build and the hundreds of
people who were touched by their love.
In loving memory,
by William Kilby and Steven Shea
[Note: The following article was written by Bill and Steven Shea some time ago
when the idea of this newsletter was first proposed, and was edited by Bill approximately two
weeks before his death.]
Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. is alive and well. Our thanks and appreciation go to Ben F. for
spearheading the publication of a newsletter as a way of reaching out to FLA members, new and
old.
The Annual Report which is included in this issue of Courage to Change gives a pretty
good idea of what we have been doing over the past year, most of which would be impossible
without the help of our volunteer monitors and members who are there to support attorneys and
law students coming into the program.
We also have a dedicated Board of Directors led by Vic T. [Note: now Joe M.] which continues
to develop projects and seek the funds necessary for the expansion of FLA. One of the projects
is opening an office in Tallahassee, so the northern part of the state can be covered more
efficiently. The Board also wants to continue our efforts at publicizing the availability of FLA's
services to lawyers, judges and law students throughout the state. Our primary objective is helping
those with chemical dependency problems and unless they know we're here, we can't get the job
done. Fortunately, we see real progress in this area. If you have any ideas, please let us
know.
Some of the common questions we get from those seeking help from FLA are:
"To whom will FLA disclose that I have a problem with alcohol and or drugs?"
There has been concern and apprehension among attorneys who voluntarily seek assistance
through FLA, regarding the issues of confidentiality and anonymity. The concern is a real one for
the suffering attorney who may feel his or her license and livelihood may be put in jeopardy by
seeking help.
THE FOLLOWING SHALL PROVIDE A BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF THE POLICY
OF FLORIDA LAWYERS ASSISTANCE, INC.:
If an attorney, judge or law student contacts FLA, or if a third party concerned about a possible
problem contacts FLA, without referral from the Florida Bar, the Board of Bar Examiners, the
Supreme Court, or the Judicial Qualifications Commission, then all files and information obtained
is strictly confidential, and no information is provided to anyone without the party's written
consent.
In the event a referral is made by The Florida Bar or Bar Examiners, then FLA considers all
information obtained prior to the referral as confidential, and reports to the appropriate authority
only information received after the date of referral, unless waived.
In the majority of instances where an attorney expects a grievance to be filed, that attorney will
usually ask FLA to notify the appropriate authority that a contact has been previously entered into
or appropriate treatment has been sought. In that case, FLA can then become an advocate on
behalf of the party, assuming that compliance with the contract has taken place.
If no referral is made by the Florida Bar or other entity, FLA then strictly guards the anonymity
and confidentiality of the contacts and information received.
In almost all admission cases, the law student or out of state attorney applying for admission to
the Florida Bar will want FLA to advise the Board of Bar Examiners that a contract has been
entered into, and that the rehabilitation process is being duly documented by way of blood alcohol
and urine screens, monthly monitoring, and attendance of meetings evidenced by meeting
lists.
At the time of the formation of Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc., the current Director of Lawyer
Regulation for the Florida Bar, Tony Boggs, attended the first meeting of the Board of Directors
of FLA on February 7, 1986. The minutes state:
"The meeting was turned over to Tony Boggs, Staff Counsel for the Florida Bar, who
presented an overview of attorney disciplinary procedures and the role of the Bar. He expressed
the Bar's desire to work very closely with the Florida Lawyers Assistance Corporation,
particularly in the area of probation monitoring. He also expressed that he was aware of the need
for confidentiality. (emphasis added). The Board then discussed the proposed agreement between
The Florida Bar and the Florida Lawyers Assistance Corporation. The Board expressed approval
of the agreement, but the suggestion was made that confidentiality discussed in the first section
should cover clients as well as the corporation."
As a result of these negotiations, a confidentiality rule was adopted which has been promulgated
in two ways: First, an agreement between FLA and the Florida Bar dated April 8, 1986, reads,
in pertinent part, as follows:
"1. The Bar agrees that it will not seek to review the files of the Corporation or gain any
information from the Corporation that the Corporation deems confidential. It is further agreed that
said information will be supplied by the Corporation to the Bar only upon the written
authorization of the client of the Corporation.
2. The parties further agree that all facts and matters related to referrals at the direction of the
Supreme Court of Florida, The Florida Bar or its agents, or respondents or their counsel for the
purpose of monitoring probations or for investigation and assistance in the grievance process shall
not be deemed confidential.
3. The Bar reserves the right at any time in the future to rescind this Agreement, but the effect
of such rescission will be prospective only and will not affect the confidentiality of the information
in the files of the Corporation acquired to the date of the rescission."
Second, Rule 3.7-1(o) of the Rules Regulating the Florida Bar provides as follows:
"(o). That an attorney has voluntarily sought, received, or accepted treatment for alcoholism
or alcohol or drug abuse shall be confidential and shall not be admitted as evidence in disciplinary
proceedings under these rules unless agreed to by the attorney who sought the treatment.
It is the purpose of this subdivision to encourage attorneys to voluntarily seek advice, counsel, and
treatment available to attorneys, without fear that the fact it is sought or rendered will or might
cause embarrassment in any future disciplinary matter."
In 1988, former President of the Florida Bar, Patricia Seitz, chaired a Florida Bar evaluation
committee of the FLA program, which evaluation confirmed the need for confidentiality, with
pertinent language from the report declaring the following:
"A prime hinderance to the objective of offering assistance to attorneys prior to entering the
grievance system was the aspect of confidentiality of information regarding attorneys who sought
help for substance abuse. It was felt that the relationship between an attorney seeking help and
individuals involved in the assistance program should be governed by the same rules involved in
attorney-client relationships. To this end, twenty-five active members of the Florida Bar petitioned
the Supreme Court of Florida in 1985 to amend the Bar's Integration Rule (now referred to as
Rules Regulating The Florida Bar). The purpose of the amendment to the Bar's Rules Regulating
The Florida Bar is to assure attorneys that seeking help and treatment will be anonymous and
confidential and thereby alleviating the fear of this information being used against them.'
According to experts in the field, this fear is the "most significant impediment existing in Florida
with respect to getting lawyers who need to do so to become involved in alcohol treatment
services.
Second, it was felt that confidentiality would be further assured if a corporation was established,
separate from The Florida Bar, to address the problem of impaired attorneys in the state. To this
end, Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. (FLA) was established in March of 1985." (1988
Evaluation, p. 14,16.)
Paul Remillard, currently the Assistant Director of Lawyer Regulation in Tallahassee, spoke at
the FLA 1993 workshop, and announced that an amendment to Rule 3-7.1(o) was being offered,
in which an additional paragraph would be added as follows:
"For purposes of this subdivision, an attorney shall be deemed to have voluntarily sought,
received, or accepted treatment for alcoholism or alcohol or drug abuse if the attorney was not
under compulsion of law or rule to do so, or if the treatment is not a part of conditional admission
to The Florida Bar or of a disciplinary sanction imposed under these rules."
FLA is staffed by actively involved recovering attorneys. We at FLA appreciate the concern for
anonymity and confidentiality. Because of this concern, along with the safeguards taken by the
founders of FLA (including it's original Board), and with the acknowledgement and understanding
of The Florida Bar and Supreme Court of Florida, evidenced by the agreements and Rules, FLA's
guiding principal is that NO ATTORNEY, JUDGE OR BAR APPLICANT SUFFERING
FROM THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION OR ALCOHOLISM WHO VOLUNTARILY SEEKS
ASSISTANCE SHOULD FOREGO THEIR RECOVERY DUE TO APPREHENSION OF
FAILURE TO MAINTAIN CONFIDENTIALITY.
We all probably know lawyers who realize they have a problem with substance abuse, but who
are terrified to pick up the phone and call the hotline for fear of losing their license, professional
standing, and careers. Some of us may have been in that same situation. What we found out was
that by not making that call, all the things we feared came to pass. This is a chronic, progessive,
and fatal illness - it never gets better by itself. Motivated by the concern of The Florida Bar and
the Supreme Court to help members of the profession, and fueled by the energy of one lawyer
helping another, there is an answer. Confidential, effective help is available - lives and professions
can be saved, if only the person is willing to take the first step.
Having become aware of the problem of stress related impairment, Florida Lawyers Assistance
has extended of its services to those with depression and other mental health problems. FLA's 24
hour tollfree hotline is 800-282-8981, and will take calls from attorneys and/or those concerned
about an attorney's alcohol, drug or depression problem.
MY ANONYMITY AND I
Very recently at an FLA meeting I met someone of the opposite sex who was a part of my dark
past. I had not seen this person in fifteen years and never knew nor been with her in a sober light.
Upon discovering her in the room I cringed and wanted to conceal myself in a corner praying to
God she didn't recognize me. I broke out in a cold sweat and when it became my turn to share
I became speechless. I had two choices; run as quick as I could or put my faith in God, take a
deep breath and confront her head on. Indeed, I adopted the latter and my serenity was instantly
in tact.
My anonymity is very important to me and is basis for allowing me to turn my insides out and
reveal those darkest and deepest thoughts about my past to those in recovery without fear of
exposure. To jeopardize my anonymity, would undermine the lifting of nearly eighteen years of
excess baggage off my shoulders. As a result, my reward was freedom. I am quite sure, that
over time my perspective will change. As I experience personal growth and faith in my higher
power my anonymity will become less important to me. In retrospect I have come a long way on
this issue. I remember in the early stages of my recovery, I would not introduce myself as an
alcoholic or an addict out of fear of being discovered and today I am a proud member of
Alcoholics Anonymous.
I try to exercise good judgement in my daily affairs in deciding who I will reveal myself to. I
implement a balancing test by weighing the utility against the harm and in performing twelve step
work by helping another alcoholic I have always fallen on the side of utility.
We in Alcoholics Anonymous are a special fraternity and today this Alcoholic chooses to keep
private.
S.H.O.
OVERCOMING THE FEAR
When I first heard about the FLA meeting for attorneys and law students I recoiled in horror!
How could I be seen with other lawyers and talk about my alcoholism? What would they think?
What about my "reputation"?
That was five years ago and if my "reputation" has suffered, which I don't think it has, it certainly
wasn't FLA's fault. In fact, the two FLA meetings I have been to, Fort Lauderdale and Miami,
have been excellent in terms of recovery and support.
Each week on Tuesday at 5:30pm, F.L.A. has its AA meeting for Broward attorneys at Saint
Francis Mission in downtown Fort Lauderdale. On Mondays at 5:30pm, Miami area attorneys
meet at a law firm office conference room in Coconut Grove. Other meetings are held throughout
the state to accommodate different locales.
The style of these meetings is typical AA and the topics are recovery and support for attorneys,
law students, aspiring admitees to The Bar, attorneys under discipline and attorneys under contract
with FLA.
Like any other AA meeting, anonymity is respected. I personally have felt free to speak about
myself and my situations just as if I was at my home group of AA. In fact, because I regularly
attend, I've developed a network of support and friends. Without a doubt, nothing I have said has
even come back to "haunt" me or impact negatively on my personal life or my career. In fact,
I have enjoyed nothing but support and friendliness from seeing and meeting other members of
the group outside the meeting.
Since my job has me in the court room every working day, I see many FLA members in and
around the courthouse. It's always a pleasure to see other recovering attorneys doing what they
do best (and better!).
A smile in the hallway or a wave across a courtroom reminds me of who I am and how rewarding
this fellowship can be.
So if there are any newcomers reading this, try to let go of the initial fear and jump in - you'll
find the waters warm, not cold.
Richard L.
THREE GIFTS
Like many of us, I had grown up with an alcoholic parent and was in an unhappy marriage with
an alcoholic spouse. I was having trouble concentrating, remembering, sleeping and digesting.
My counselor suggested that I might need some in-patient treatment. A last resort before suicide,
I thought. Besides a month's vacation from the stress of the office couldn't hurt, even though I
probably wouldn't have a practice if I took off for 28 days. My partners agreed to take over my
caseload, and I drove myself to a "Foundation" in another city. God knows I didn't want anyone
I knew to see me in rehab.
My first anonymity issue presented itself while I was in treatment. My second week at Rimrock
Foundation I realized that the literature I was reading about the symptoms and progression of
alcoholism applied not only to my family and friends, but to me! Free floating anxiety, isolating,
obsessing about supply, controlling my drinking, breaking my own rules about not drinking alone,
not drinking before 5:00pm, not drinking hard liquor -- I began to identify my own symptoms.
My first anonymity issue was whether to confess that I just might be an alcoholic. I decided to
fess up. To my surprise, the counselor and my peer group already knew. My alcoholism was
no surprise to anyone else but myself.
I had no trouble with Step 3 because I was so damn relieved to know I had a treatable disease.
I had believed I was going insane. I was thrilled to learn that I could be relieved of my insanity,
which included paralyzing fear, solitary pessimism and a persistent, argumentative committee that
lived in my head. I was told that in time I would be able to fire the committee. I felt hope for
the first time in years. I was so thrilled with my new found solution that I thought I better tell all
my friends. After I left rehab, I began to broadcast to anyone who would listen that I was now
a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I felt really terrific, that I had found The Answer.
My partners were happy I was back in the office, but did not understand my enthusiasm about
AA. My friends tried to convince me that I wasn't a real alcoholic. After all, I didn't drink any
worse then they did (which was true). I took the advice of AA and got new friends. But I did
not heed the advice of AA with respect to my own anonymity. I was too proud of my discovery
not to share it. My promoter instinct took over. I button-holed anyone who would listen. Totally
self-absorbed, I preached the truth as I saw it. I was not familiar with the Twelfth Tradition and
certainly didn't think I should be precluded from breaking my own anonymity.
At about the four month mark and heading into my first sober Christmas, I tumbled off my pink
cloud. My practice had suffered by my being away, by my working part time when I returned
and perhaps by broadcasting my new label to the community at large. I felt stupid and
embarrassed. Once again I seemed to have painted myself into a corner. I knew I needed to
escape. Against the advice of my sponsor, I decided to move out of state. She told me that it was
wise not to make any major moves in the first year of sobriety. I told her she didn't understand,
I was unique, I knew what was best for me, and I could take care of myself. My second big AA
lesson regarded self-will and self-centeredness.
I never expected to have to fight for admission to practice in Florida. I had not been to jail, never
had a DUI, was not hospitalized involuntarily, never had DT's. Who did the Florida Board of
Bar Examiners think they were to question my competence to practice after I passed the exam?
My third lesson was humility. It cost me about a year and $30,000.00.
During that time, I joined my local Bar association as an associate member and saw an ad about
the Esquires Group. The Esquires Group was a weekly AA meeting for alcoholic/addict lawyers.
Some were in practice. Some were on probation. Some had fought the Bar for admission. Most
had never had any disciplinary problems, not given the Bar any clue that they'd joined the
fellowship. Within the group, there was a wide range of views on anonymity. One member said
that everyone in town knew he was a drunk and most knew he was a cocaine addict before he
went to treatment, so he didn't care who knew he was in recovery now. Another relayed having
lost an important client whom he ran into at an open AA meeting.
I noticed after a while that the people who talked the longest and loudest about how proud they
were to be in AA were the ones who went to few meetings and had little time to work with others.
The ones who regularly invested time in twelfth step work were the quieter, more serene members
of the group. I also noticed that the serene old timers seemed to agree that anonymity was
important not so much for the individual, but for AA as a whole.
I remembered how, while I was in treatment, I did not want to talk at meetings, did not want
others to know anything personal about me and did not like it when the chair asked me to say my
name. When I first introduced myself at a meeting, I said my name, then cried through "I'm an
alcoholic." Early on it really hurt to admit that I was alcoholic. I appreciated closed meetings
that ended with "What you heard here, who you saw here, stays here." This reserved phase didn't
last long before pride took over and I began introducing myself as "a grateful recovering
alcoholic, addict, codependent, ACOA, Al-Anon." I have come full circle and introduce myself
these days with the traditional two sentences, one disease, no flowers.
I have heard many alcoholics say that AA's promise of anonymity and confidentiality was critical
in getting them to their first meeting. Many of us came to that first meeting intending to be
invisible. Many a newcomer has wondered, when the chair asked to recognize newcomers at a
meeting but they chose not to raise a hand, how was it that folks somehow knew and turned
around to look at them sitting quietly, alone in the back corner of the room. It is impossible at
first to separate the extraordinary tangle of a newcomer's self-centered pride and def\eating
self-loathing, but the promise of anonymity can make a small dent in her distrust.
Today, I open my office conference room for a weekly AA meeting. It's a closed meeting for
attorneys who have a desire to stop drinking. After several years, I am just beginning to enjoy
the level of practice I left when I was trying to run from the rumors I had started about myself.
Having learned an expensive lesson about public disclosure and self-serving promotion, I guard
my anonymity in my new legal community. I share my experience with others on a need-to-know,
one-on-one basis. The meeting at my office has grown through attraction, not promotion.
When FLA, Inc. called about putting a directory together for statewide publication, my
bell-o-meter went off. I had misgivings I didn't understand. I brought my concerns to the table
of the Esquires Group that evening, talked with my sponsor and prayed. I was not comfortable
with having my identity, number and business address published. As a result, I decided not to
consent to a listing anymore specific than time and number to call for more information. The
Clearwater legal community is not aware that I am an alcoholic. The attorneys with whom I share
my office know the Wednesday night meeting is an AA meeting for lawyers. The staff think it
is an "attorney support group." I guess they think it's stress management (and it is).
The fellowship is greater than the sum of its parts. And the traditions save us from ourselves
while permitting AA to continue to attract those who need it. Having to decide whether or not
to go public for the FLA press forced me to take a new look at anonymity and our Twelfth
Tradition. Anonymity, the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, gives us three gifts. First,
it allows the newcomer to enjoy as sense of safety that her identity and her story will be held
confidential. Second, it prevents the recovering alcoholic from being swollen with self-importance
and pride. Third, it preserves and protects AA as a whole.
"Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction
as AA members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public. As we lay aside
these very human aspirations, we believe that each of us takes part in the weaving of a protective
mantle which covers our whole Society and under which we may grow and work in unity."
Anonymous in Clearwater
(Note: The following is a reprint of an article written by Michael Cohen and
published in the Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly newspaper in June 1990)
THE ROAD TO RECOVERY
Myer J. Cohen was a practicing attorney in Boston until, in May of 1986, he was
arrested for attempting to bring drugs to a client in the Essex County House of Correction. As a
result of his arrest and subsequent plea of guilty, Mr. Cohen was incarcerated and indefinitely
suspended by the Supreme Judicial Court. Immediately after his arrest, Mr. Cohen entered
treatment for drug addiction. He has resided in Florida since 1986.
One of the requirements for maintaining the program of recovery I am involved with is making
amends to those I have harmed. In most instances, it has been simple to identify the individuals
I need to do this with (although making the amends has, at times, not been so easy). Over the past
four years, however, I have often wondered how best to accomplish this end with reference to a
group I respected deeply and wounded grievously, the members of the Bar of Massachusetts. I
have come to the conclusion that perhaps the best way is to explain what happened to me on the
chance that it may help one lawyer to avoid having to go through what I did.
In view of the crime for which I was convicted, my statement that I deeply respected the Bar and
the practice of law must raise some eyebrows. It is, however, true. My father, who practiced law
in Boston for 47 years prior to his death in 1983, instilled that feeling in me. In coming to
understand the disease of addiction and alcoholism (throughout this article, I will use the terms
"addiction" and "alcoholism" interchangeably; the actual chemical is irrelevant - the illness is the
same), I had to accept the fact that I was not a bad person, just a very sick one. The fact that I
could love the legal profession, yet do what I did, is probably one of the best examples of the
truth of that statement.
I first became involved in drugs when I began drinking alcohol in junior high school. Drinking
progressed to "soft" drugs and, very quickly, to hard drugs. I suppose I was a product of my
generation - had I been born 20 years earlier, I would probably have been an alcoholic, while 20
years later, I might have been a crack addict. Throughout the course of my addiction, I spent
hours and hours with psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors attempting to analyze why I did
drugs, none of which did any good. Today I understand that it is not so important to understand
the underlying causes of my addiction, it is just important not to take that first drink, pill, sniff,
smoke, or fix.
Despite my first physical addiction by the time I was 19, I completed college (albeit in 5 years and
3 schools) and law school. During this entire period, there were always two forces in my life;
there was whatever was going on in the outside world (school, marriage, work) and there was my
continually progressing need for drugs. While at the beginning, the events in the real world took
priority, this changed dramatically at some point. Once that line had been crossed, nothing was
as important as the getting and using and finding ways and means of getting more drugs.
At the time of my hearing before the Board of Bar Overseers, the question was posed as to how
I could continue to practice if my addiction was, as represented, so overwhelming. The answer
is not that complicated and may sound familiar to some reading this: as long as I had my practice,
I could deny I was truly an addict or alcoholic. One of the symptoms of addiction and alcoholism
is denial; this is the only illness which tells you you're not sick. Addicts and alcoholics in general,
and professionals to an even greater degree, hold on to their jobs to the bitter end to prove that
they're "not really that bad". After all, you say to yourself, if you're not sleeping in the gutter,
you can't be an addict or an alcoholic.
I was that person. I went to work every day, I was on the boards of several legal and educational
foundations, I had clients that liked and respected me, and I had judges telling me I was doing a
good job. I couldn't be an addict, even though my life outside the office and the courtroom was
rapidly falling apart. I told myself that the fact my wife left me, that I lost my office space, that
I was showing up for court late more often than not, and that I eventually wound up spending
almost all my time in the apartment of my drug connection, might have had a little something to
do with my "drug problem". However, I could rationalize all these occurrences by telling myself
that my wife and my partner just didn't like me, that the lousy traffic on the Southeast Expressway
was making me late for court, and that I really liked my dealer (read "bartender" or "drinking
buddies" if you like) better than most people I knew. I hung on to my professional standing for
dear life simply because it was the only thing I had left.
At the same time, I was becoming more and more aware of my addiction, but just did not know
where to turn. In view of the fact that my profession was the only stable thing in my life, I was
terrified of risking it by asking for help. I was aware of attorney assistance programs (having seen
their notices in this paper) and of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, but felt I
could control the problem myself. I was afraid that if I turned to an outside agency, especially one
in any way connected to the Bar, I would be jeopardizing my license.
Even after I reached the point where I knew I was in serious trouble, I continued on that course
for over a year. I was practicing out of my apartment and had little social contact other than my
drinking and drugging associates. I felt very alone, very scared, and very miserable, but did not
know any way to stop. For anyone who has not experienced the pain of addiction, there is really
no good way to describe it. It is doing something you don't want to do, that you know is harming
you and causing you pain, but that you are powerless to stop. Trying to exercise self-control over
addiction is about as successful as trying to exercise self-control over diarreah; try it
sometime.
Help was finally forced on me not through my choosing. Because of my addiction, I was placed
in a situation where, in order to maintain my supply of drugs, I was required to do something
which I knew could result in the loss of my license to practice, my liberty, and my reputation.
Despite knowing all this, the prospect of being cut off by my source caused me even greater fear.
My arrest and arraignment on charges of possession with intent to distribute and of attempting to
introduce a controlled substance into a jail were the most humiliating moments of my life. At the
time of my arrest, however, a strange thing happened. The State Police officer who arrested me,
and who obviously knew a great deal more about chemical dependency than I did, told me at the
time that being arrested might be the best thing that could happen to me. I will leave it to the
reader to imagine my reaction to the statement as I stood there handcuffed and watching my life
fall apart around me.
To this day, I do not know the officer's name, but whoever he is, he was right. My arrest and
arraignment (covered by the local media) was "my bottom". The progression of my life from that
point in May of 1986 began to go up rather than continuing on the downward course it had
followed for the prior twenty-odd years. Immediately after my arrest, I was forced by my family
and a few good friends to enter inpatient treatment for chemical dependency. I went to a 30 day
inpatient treatment program in New Jersey, then to a 5 month program at a long term facility in
Miami. During that six month period, I learned a little of what made me tick, but more important,
I learned that there were other people just like me who were recovering from addictions and from
bottoms as devastating as mine. There is a tremendous feeling of hope when you see somebody
doing something you previously considered impossible, in this case living day to day without
using any mood altering substances. If there is anything that I want to come of this article, it is
to let attorneys who are having a dependency problem know that you are not alone.
During the past four years, I've met a large number of lawyers, doctors, and other professionals
who are recovering from addiction. Their stories are just like mine. We all hung on to our
professions to the bitter end, usually until outside circumstances forced us to face the fact that we
were severely impaired and could no longer manage our lives without help. We do not, however,
need to wait until things become catastrophic before looking for this help. Today, I see
professionals seeking treatment and recovery before they've lost their licenses, been arrested, had
their third OUI, or lost their wives and homes. There is a saying, "You can choose whichever
floor you want to get off the elevator - you don't need to ride it to the basement." Because of a
greater awareness and acceptance by society and by our profession of the disease concept of
addiction, the stigma of coming forward with the problem has been lessened.
There are today a number of programs in all states that offer help in recovering from alcoholism
and addiction, some specifically directed towards members of the legal or medical professions.
When I was using drugs, these programs seemed to represent only a threat to my license. It was
my belief that if I requested assistance in fighting my addiction, I would be branded, disbarred,
and humiliated (most of this happened anyway). One of the great lessons I have learned is that by
going to the lawyers assistance committee and asking for help, then following the suggested course
of recovery, I have developed an advocate on my behalf rather than an adversary against it. It has
been my experience that the bar committees responsible for overseeing impaired attorneys (and,
to some extent, the state supreme courts that have the final say on discipline) will support a lawyer
who has gotten in trouble, admitted his problem, and indicated a desire to do something about
it.
My situation is an example. Shortly after entering treatment in Florida, I began participating with
Florida Lawyers Assistance, Inc. (FLA), the agency created by The Florida Supreme Court which
deals with impaired attorneys. My involvement included helping to start two support groups for
recovering lawyers. I also voluntarily entered into a written contract with FLA which required
me to choose another recovering attorney as a monitor, submit to random urine testing, and attend
a certain number of attorney support and Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous
meetings. Because of my very willing participation, when the time came for my appearance before
the Board of Bar Overseers, I had several experts in the field of addictionology and a number of
recovering attorneys who could speak in my behalf. The fact that the Board saw fit to recommend
suspension of my license rather than disbarment, despite the severity of my infraction, and that
the SJC confirmed the Board's recommendation, clearly demonstrates a sensitivity to and
understanding of the issue of recovery.
In summary, if you need help, ask for it. If you don't know whether you need help, find out (both
A.A. and N.A. have short pamphlets which will give you a pretty good indication). Help is
available, and you do not have to wait to get to the point I did to receive it. There is life after
chemicals, and it is terrific.
(Footnote: Although this issue of Courage to Change has anonymity as its theme, as you can
see from the above, I have never been reluctant to disclose the facts regarding my addiction and
my recovery if I thought it would help another suffering attorney. In the almost 10 years that I
have been clean and sober, I have never once regretted making such a disclosure, nor, to the best
of my knowledge, have I ever been penalized for doing so. I suppose the best examples of the
benefits derived from such candor and lack of shame is the fact that since writing this article, I
have been reinstated to the Massachusetts Bar and have been cited as an example in that state of
what can be achieved by embracing a program of recovery, and I have been admitted to The
Florida Bar. While the decision to break one's own anonymity is clearly a very personal choice,
doing so has, at least in my case, never acted as a detriment. Remember, you have nothing to be
ashamed of. - MJC)
WHO'S WHO AT FLA
Michael Cohen, an
attorney formerly in practice in Boston, Massachusetts, with over
9 years of sobriety (and whose story appears later in this issue), is Program Director. FLORIDA LAWYERS ASSISTANCE MISSION
STATEMENT
IN MEMORIUM
Michael C.
Ben F.
The Staff at FLA EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR'S
ARTICLE
THE CONFIDENTIALITY ISSUE
"Will my involvement with FLA be confidential?"
"Will The Florida Bar find out?" MEMBERS' ARTICLES
PROGRAM DIRECTOR'S
STORY